I Want Us Back
by tvromancefan
Summary: Stef and Lena are struggling. They want to re-connect, but with so many things left unsaid, where do they start?
1. Chapter 1

**I Want Us Back**

**A/N: I have fallen in love with The Foster's, especially with the relationship of Lena and Stef. They are inspiring as women and as parents. My heart has been hurting for them over the last many episodes as they struggle to connect. This story came to me after watching the previews for 2x3; I hope they sort through things and are honest with one another.**

**I own nothing...all characters belong to ABC Family, Disney, Paige/Bredeweg, etc. Just borrowing them to play for a bit! I hope you enjoy! **

How did we get here? How did we go from contentment, happiness…passion…to passing in the hall. To falling asleep without as much as a word of good-night. Certainly not a touch. Not a display of love. Like strangers.

When we were 'partners' we were more in love than it seems we are now as wives. Now we feel like simply partners. Like in business…Partners in rearing children. Partners in car pool, in homework, in paying bills…simply partners. At least that is the way it feels. I feel like I've lost the love of my life. Not forever…not like that, this isn't irreparable. I don't think. I don't believe that it is.

I still love Lena more than anything. She still loves me. I can see it in her eyes sometimes. But I don't know how to get back to where we were. Where I so desperately want us to be. There are times when I am almost overcome with the desire to go to her and hold her and kiss her. Not talk…I don't want to talk. The things I want to say would be hurtful, and I don't want to hurt her. I'll eat the words that are right there all the time. I'll keep them inside until we are stronger.

I miss her. I miss us. I miss my love. I told Callie once that it feels as if I have five separate hearts walking around outside of my body all the time. My kids make me feel that. But this rift with Lena; it makes me feel as if my heart has shattered. Shriveling and wasting away inside me. Lena owns me, heart and soul. When we are not connected in the way that has been the foundation of our relationship for more than a decade, it feels like…well, it feels like I am dying. Slowly and from the inside.

Lying in the hospital remembering our history, I was so happy. My first look at Lena was an instant that I would not (could not) forget until my very last breath. Feelings, desires that I had tamped down for years came rushing in like a river held back until the rupture of a dam. Oh, God! These feelings were unlike any I had ever had for a man or for another woman. It was overwhelming. Thinking about the process of coming out, divorcing, and taking a risk to go after what my heart desired. "Will you marry me?" That was all I could think about when I saw Lena, my love, sitting at my bedside after surgery. More risk, more commitment…giving her whatever she wanted. Lena…always Lena. My love.

Our kids are safe, secure…as they can be for teenagers. Brandon will continue to struggle with his hand for a while, but he is getting through. Mariana and Jesus are coming toward adulthood facing the teen problems that any child would. Jude feels safe and is getting stronger everyday; Callie knows what she wants and we will get that for her. I hate that it is taking so long, but she knows she is loved and valuable. And now there is a baby…the baby.

Is this about 'the' baby? 'her' baby? 'our' baby? I want a baby for Lena. I want her to experience what I did with Brandon, and I wasn't exaggerating when I told her that I wanted her to have anything/everything that she ever wanted. She wanted a baby.

With Timothy.

There it is…I want this to be my baby, but I don't believe that it is. I don't even think Lena realizes how this whole thing has looked to me. She talked to the doctor. She took the vitamins. She told her mom. She set up a donor. She took the ovulation tests. She arranged the insemination. She had the donor in our home. She…in every case. She not we. I was brought in like an extra on a set. Stand here, sign here, smile here. Oh, she loves me; I think she even is taking the lead because she thinks she is helping me. Making things easier for me.

_Just like I have done for her._ I haven't been honest about Anna with her. God! How did we end up here? Since when do we act like Calliope and Arizona from _Grey's_? Ignoring truths does not make them any less true. Ignoring feelings does not make them any less real. Allowing them to fester inside will kill you. It is killing us.

I cannot let this happen. I cannot lose my wife, my love. I am going to have to speak…I have to speak up.

I didn't know I was crying until I realized Lena had come to my side. I had gotten so lost in thought that I had forgotten where I was. Next to the water on a lounger alone…time with my thoughts. Time to sort through and prepare myself for the next step.

"I want us back…" She says.

I looked at Lena, at her sorrow and fear. I caused that…well…we caused that in each other. Partners in mistakes as in everything else. We tried so hard to help each other and to protect each other; we have done nothing but hurt each other. Hurt in love is still hurt.

I open my arms and pull back the blanket on my legs, "C'mere, Love." She comes to me. "Lena, I love you…"

"But…" She says softly.

"No! No buts." I sigh deeply. "There won't ever be a 'but' after I say I love you…there is a 'because' though." I kiss her temple and place my hand over our child. "Because I love you, Lena, I need to talk to you…I want us back to…more than anything in the world."

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2

**I want us back, Ch 2.**

**A/N: Thanks for the positive reviews...I hope this wrap-up is satisfying! BTW: I realized this morning that for some strange reason I called Timothy "Patrick" in the first chapter! I have no idea where that mistake came from. My apologies for the error!**

Joy. Fear. Elation. Sadness. I wish the hormones surging through me could be blamed for the mess of emotions I'm feeling right now.

"The same challenges and triumphs. Benefits and burdens."

I wanted to laugh when my dad said those words. Not us! We have been together for years, faced our challenges…dealt with our burdens. We were strong…NO. We ARE strong. Despite everything going on over the last few months; we are still strong. We aren't Jenna and Kelly.

Stef is alone outside. This is our babymoon, and we are not even in the same place. I know she needed some quiet time…I know that I did, too. I have to stop this; I have to talk to her. How? I am not sure what to say…not sure when and how this happened.

The Anna debacle? The shooting? The morning after pill? Callie running away? The car?

If this wasn't so serious, I would probably laugh. If I can list off multiple things that have brought us to disagreement over the last year, is it a wonder we are strained beyond anything we have faced before? We approach things differently, handle things from a different perspective…that isn't new. That isn't the problem.

I think this started with Gretchen. It's not about her, but I think it started with her comments and discussion of the "old" Lena. Had I really changed that much? I still wanted the same things out of life and a relationship…honesty, monogamy, loyalty. I have all of that with Stef. I wanted a wedding and marriage, and now I have it. I wanted a baby, and now I have…_I have_…_I_.

I know or at least I think I know that this has been the largest hurdle for Stef…the baby. And it is my fault. I didn't know how to articulate the need that hit me fast and hard. I wanted to, but I just thought it would be easier to investigate on my own. Explore on my own and then talk to her. It wasn't my intention to cut her out…but I think maybe I did. I know I did.

Gretchen started me thinking, Stef's shooting pushed me further…talking to Mariana helped things to crystallize. She wanted to connect with the woman who looked like her…I think I realized I wanted another child then…one that looked like me. The argument with my mother at the quinceanera about fitting in and understanding began to fester. Stef was right that day. I knew where I belonged: with her. But I still had a need within me for something.

And I want a baby with her. Our baby…my baby. I wanted a baby that reflected me. I see Stef in Brandon…I want to experience that. I want to see myself reflected in a child's eyes. Is that wrong? Does that make me love my other children less? No. I am a mother, I am not missing that. I am missing the connection, the biological tie…DNA doesn't make a family love does. I believe that with all my being. I am choosing this baby just like we chose our other children. Damn! Lots of "I's" in my planning.

When I went to the doctor, I hadn't planned on brining up a baby. I saw the new moms, the expectant moms in the waiting room, and it was fresh on my mind. It was like I couldn't stop myself. I had to know if I could still do it. Could I really have a baby? When the blood tests came back, I wasn't sure what to do. "Do you want to start pre-natal vitamins?" I said yes. Without telling Stef, without discussing my feelings and needs with my wife…I said yes.

Then everything happened so fast…the car, the money problems, the funeral. I was sick that Stef found my prescription. Sick that I didn't tell her. I just thought it was better to wait! She was mourning…so much. She feels responsible for our family; she wants to provide more from a monetary standpoint. The whole car breaking down was hard for her. That led to the fight with her father. She wanted him on her side, desperately wanted his support in her life, but she refused to take what she felt like was a bribe. She loved him so much and had looked up to him her whole life, and she wanted him to love her without boundaries. Then he was gone…she had to find him. Her hero was dead, and she had to be the one to find him. She shut her emotions down and got through the only way she knew how. She tried to make him proud to the very end. She even had a Padre-themed funeral party!

That was the day she discovered my desire for a baby. She must have felt so outside…she even put herself 'out' physically by sitting alone in that car her father left us. I could see the pain in her eyes about her dad and about my deceit… 'so you want to have a baby?' We talked for a bit. More like I stuttered through an explanation of why I didn't tell her. I never took the time to tell her how I felt. How I thought about losing something that I had always wanted…losing my chance at carrying a baby. I didn't tell her. But I know she was closing up on me, too. I know she kept words and thoughts and feelings from me that night. And I let it go…I let that chance go. It just seemed easier at the time.

We began to look at donors together. That felt right, but even with that I pushed for a dark-skinned donor. Stef wanted one that looked like her so the baby would be a blend of the two of us. Perfect sense! Not to me. I wanted a dark child that looked like me. I cut her out…again. And again, she shut down and let me go.

Timothy. God what a mistake that may have turned out to be. I wanted to use Timothy for good reasons; reasons I didn't share with my wife. Reasons that would have helped, but I kept her out. Timothy provided the dark complexion I wanted, but he provided so much more. He was smart, kind, charismatic, funny, tender, lived to serve others…so much like Stef. I couldn't make a baby with Stef, couldn't have a perfect blend of us, but I desperately wanted our baby to be like his or her Mom. All the elements that make Stef the wonderful woman that she is. Timothy was a known. A man I had observed and had trusted. I admired him, and I saw the qualities in him that I loved in my wife. No one would see the parallel from the outside, but I saw it in the heart. This was a donor that I knew had the qualities I wanted not just someone who could fill out a form and say all the right things for a sperm bank…say the right things to make a buck.

I handled the whole donor thing poorly. Springing him on Stef at a dinner party. A dinner with Dani and Mike. And Lord knows those two are another point of contention for us now. I forced a stranger on Stef in our house knowing what I really wanted from him. She should have been more upset than she acted. Maybe she was, but she didn't say a word. I talked to Timothy without her about being a donor. I made the decision and forced her hand. And when she acquiesced? I threw myself at her like a prize. I knew that she wanted my happiness above her own, and I enabled her hiding and her emotional shut down.

I guess there have been two really good days for us as a couple through all of this: insemination day and the day we found out. Lying together in our bed…with it actually set on the same level…making love was wonderful. She loved me so sweetly that night. She made me feel so good, and spoke nothing but words of love to me as she used our kit. She stroked my naked skin as I left my hips up for the appropriate time to aid the sperm. I felt so close to her…and allowed another opportunity to slip away to actually talk to her. It was more simple to be quiet.

When I told her about the baby, I was scared for a few moments. She had finally said the words: "I don't want you to have a baby." I knew it! I knew she was thinking it, but she finally put voice to it. Even with her explanation, I was hurt. I was angry and lashed out telling her she would be happy to know it didn't work. Then to find out that there really was a baby, I was nervous. Her face as she processed what I was telling her…it was unreadable even for me after all the years together. "I feel nothing but love, baby…" My heart lifted! She kissed me and held me, told me how excited she was. And then we didn't talk…life stepped in our path, and we allowed it to do so.

Now we have no contract with Timothy; I am up for a new job; something is going on with Mike; something is bothering Stef at work; Brandon is hurting; Callie is confused; Mariana is trying to find herself; Jude is coming into his own; Jesus is feeling his way through becoming a man; Stef is making decisions about our son with her ex without so much as a word to me…we are lost.

This has to stop.

As I approach her, I can tell she is deep within herself not hearing me walk toward her. She has a few tears on her cheeks. Maybe she has been thinking about the same things I have been. I take a seat on the stone bench across from her and take a deep breath… "I want us back."

* * *

Confessions, tears, some emotion-laden words, and fears were shared. We held each other and spoke freely for the first time in months. We didn't interrupt, didn't justify ourselves, and we didn't judge each other. We listened, and we heard. We began the healing.

Sometime later I kissed Lena's temple again. "We messed up a lot this time, didn't we?"

"Yeah, we did. I didn't mean to, Stef. I made so many mistakes in all of this."

"So did I, Love. I am sorry that I allowed my dad to continue to have a hold on my thoughts and take away some of my joy with the wedding and to some extent the baby. I am sorry I didn't speak up with my concerns; I am sorry I didn't tell you my suspicions about Mike and Anna…I am so sorry I have not been there for you lately. So sorry about all the things I've done. Forgive me, please." I sat up and set Lena away from me, so I could look at her while I gave her the most heartfelt apology I could. I needed her to hear me and know without a doubt my sincerity to make this better.

"Done. Now forgive me for excluding you from this and from decisions that were equally yours as they were mine. Forgive me for picking a man I work with everyday to be our donor without any real explanation. Forgive me for going out on my own and allowing my own insecurities to push me into something so life-changing for our family without so much as a real discussion between us. You are my life, Stef. My one true love…forgive me and give me another chance, please?" Lena had tears silently running down her face.

I took her face in my hands to stroke away the moisture. I just wanted to look at her for a moment; she was glowing. Glowing with the new life of our baby. The smile came without me even thinking of it. "Done. I love you beyond any measure or words that I could put to it. I want every day with you and our kids…and our baby." I kissed her with all the passion I could. Nothing aggressive just gentle and full of love and promise. After a few moments, I pulled back still holding her face. "Now, Mrs. Adams Foster. I think we need to move this up to our room."

Her face lit up. "Really? Like for 'other stuff'? I have missed 'other stuff'."

"No, love." Her face fell a bit. "I just need to get up off this lounger; half of my body is asleep!" She tried to get up but her belly was making it a little complicated. I couldn't help but chuckle a bit…quickly stopping as my wife gave me her 'look'. Once we were standing, I took her in my arms again and kissed her. "My right side will wake up on the way upstairs then we will continue this; okay? But no code words tonight, love. I am going to make love to my wife tonight. I want to show her how much I love her and need her. Show her several times."

I think we are getting us back…starting tonight.

**Thanks for reading!**


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